Do you have a plaster?

Based on recent estimates, I now believe that I spend around 90% of my free time (and 100% of my…err….non-free time) staring at pictures of men…

Hundreds of them, all on my phone.

No…I haven’t just gotten cozy with the university rugby team, or the football team, or the lacrosse team…

Le grande sigh.

And no I haven’t (more likely) discovered Porn in Your Pocket or Porn2Go or Porns ‘R’ Us or whatever those sites are called (please tell me none of these are actually real websites)…

In actual fact my flatmates persuaded (forced me pain of death) to get Tinder.

Now I’m addicted.

In the words of Howard from Fresh Meat…I’ve already completed it once.

Yes, you heard me right…when I first got it I was so interested on flicking everyone into the no pile, I actually exhausted all the men in my area (HAHAHA….hahaha ha..ha…no…I wish).

I’ve now had to make a new profile which I shall handle with more care.

Must….resist…the….X….button…

*Hand shakes*

Don’t get me wrong, I have absolutely no intention of actually talking to these people…

In fact I was actually quite pissed off when I found out that the whole purpose of the App was for it to be a dating tool…why can’t I just stalk people in peace? In the privacy of my own home…without them knowing about it….

Plus the majority of the guys on here are absolute twats.

No offence.

But seriously.

You don’t even want to know some of the chat up lines I’ve been sent.

The only one I could give credit to so far would have to be “I wish you were my big toe”….”so I can bang you on all the furniture in my house”.

I spat out my water.

I am in no way recommending you get this App.

For the sake of your own sanity and yes, physical health (The Illest MF Alive guy popped up on screen just after I logged on for the first time…I fell off the bed in shock…you know that weird feeling people are watching you…yeah…that) DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT.

In fact, your general sense of paranoia will be permanently increased…like what if you accidentally bump into one of these people in real life….what if they recognize you from your profile…what if Facebook decides that they’re going to suddenly post everyone’s dating preferences and subsequent conversations online…

You just downloaded it didn’t you.

Naughty.

I tried.

*Surreptitiously opens App*

Give me a P, Give me an M, Give me an S…

What does it spell?

Fuck off.

Jokes.

So I was just sitting here minding my own business, doing a bit of work when all of a sudden my iPad pinged up with a notification.

“Aunt Flow is coming”

Yes, I have a bloody app for it and yes that is the default message; I’m also told when my “flowers are blooming”. Stop judging me I have a terrible memory.

So it turns out that under a drug induced haze of Lemsip (aka nectar of the Gods) which I’ve been using for my horrific bout of flu, I have been experiencing PMS without the PMS. Halle-fucking-lujah.

Well, kind of.

I was wondering why I ended up coming back from the uni shop with three chocolate bars and two packets of sweets…especially when I don’t have a sweet tooth at all.

Don’t worry I didn’t eat them.

Yet.

Having gone to an all girls school, and now living in a flat with 5 other girls you kind of figure out what to avoid and when. I feel so sorry for the two guys in our flat who have to put up with all of us at our wrong time of the month.

The problem is, I don’t even know if I am a PMS monster…

I only want to murder half the people I talk to. That’s above average right?

Oh god I’m a terrible person.

*Cries*

*Drinks more Lemsip*.

P.S. Do you have any funny PMS stories? If so leave them in the comments below. I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it.