The Illest MF Alive…

Oh yeah, the title of this post is totally a Kanye West reference…told you I was gangsta.

*Tumbleweed*

In all seriousness though, once again some sneaky bastard has infected me with their pathogens…I’ve only just managed to surface from the depths of my bed fort to write this.

Not only do I have a hacking cough, a fever, a sore throat and nausea, but I’m also sporting a fucking sexy nose whistle.

Thank god I’m a girl…the sheer amount of tissues overflowing my litter bin would have raised a few eyebrows by now.

Maybe I shouldn’t say “sneaky bastard” I do kind of know the reason I’m sick.

Ok fine, I know exactly why…

I went out with my friends the other day to my favourite club and had a bit of a “moment”.

There I was boogieing the night away when a cute guy came up to dance with me…

*Cue slow motion turn around, eyes meeting, seductive smile*

Pfft, yeah right.

Come on guys, this is me we’re talking about.

I, in fact, didn’t notice him and carried on dancing, flailing my arms around and by accident punched him on the nose.

TWICE.

Of course I turned around and apologised profusely, he lifted me off the ground in a hug and said it was all fine.

We danced together.

Ten minutes later, I look down and notice I have blood on my arm.

Turns out I hit him so hard he got a nosebleed.

…I’ll let that sink in for a minute…

…How much better do you feel about your life right now?

Uh huh.

Anyway he ran off to go and get cleaned up and I legged it to the bathroom and met back up with my friends, not expecting to see him again.

A little while later I turn around and there he was so we dance together for a while until the DJ says “in ten seconds I wanna see everyone jump”.

On one he picks me up in front of the whole club and kisses me.

THIS.

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME.

I DIED.

Then he did it again.

We sat down for a bit and exchanged numbers, and I had to resist his advances with the whole ‘wrong time of the month’ excuse, which I can inform you, is the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever had to say to another person in my entire life.

Praise the lord for vodka.

Don’t you just love mother nature?

When I got up to leave, instead of a sexy sashay away,  I managed to walk straight into a bar stool and almost stacked it in my heels…

FAIL, Laura, FAIL.

And yet for some unknown reason I arrived home to a goodnight text.

I handed to my more experienced flatmate to deal with.

Bad idea.

Rather than the mysterious allure I was going for, it resulted more in a bit too much obvious flirtation and way too many winky faces for my liking.

Then the alcohol buzz wore off and now everything is just very awkward.

In fact I walked past him on the way back from the Co-Op the other day and had to resist the urge to throw myself sideways into a hedge.

*Cringe-fest*

And I wonder why I’m still single.

Oh, did I mention he had a “cold”?

So now I’m both sick and sad.

All care packages to my bedroom please.

Stop it, minds out of gutters.

What am I going to do with you guys.

*Smh*

Freshers Flu 2.0…

I was doing so, so well.

Everyone around me was dropping like flies but I was dodging those germs like a ninja in a laser maze.

*Does Kung Fu Panda pose*

I wasn’t ill for the whole of freshers week…or the week after that…or the week after that…

Until the dreaded superbug emerged: FRESHERS FLU 2.0.

No one is safe.

I’m convinced that the air in every lecture hall I’ve walked into this week has been 99.9% airborne virus and 1% oxygen.

I am now sick with fresher’s flu’s uglier, more contagious cousin, which apparently can’t be cured with antibiotics.

And apparently also impairs what was left of my GCSE maths skills.

When I went to the doctors he told me that I needed to get lots of rest and not overexert myself.

YEAH BECAUSE I’VE TOTALLY BEEN RUNNING AROUND AND IGNORING MY EXTREME LETHARGY, HACKING COUGH, SENSITIVITY TO LIGHT AND NOISE, ACHING MUSCLES AND GENERAL SENSE OF CORPSE-NESS.

When I asked my best friend who’s currently in medical school to cure me…she said she’s not qualified.

WHAT! YOU’RE BECOMING A DOCTOR!

I have a bit of a confession to make…

I’m one of the super annoying people who kind of wants the world to start revolving around them when they’re ill.

If you couldn’t already tell that…from the shouty capitals..

All activities must be suspended in favour of showering me with pity and get well soon soup!

…yup.

Sorry.

I may as well just walk around wearing this:

Patient : Tell me doctor, is this flu serious?
Doctor : Well I wouldn’t advise you to start watching any serials on TV.

I’ve watched all two-and-a-bit series of New girl over the last few days. I was going to start on Breaking Bad but I don’t think my brain fog will allow me to extend myself to such a mentally stimulating activity.

Valentines Day seems a more viable alternative..

…or maybe just Shrek.

Oh god, I’m starting to go cross eyed.

This post was supposed to be funny, this has very quickly descended into a insight into my flu-riddled brain. I’m so gonna regret posting this when I’m better.

*MUST SALVAGE POST*

Here have some e-cards…

Ha ha..

..this is funny…

Right?!

RIGHT?!

*Passes out*.

Spoke too soon…

If you saw my first post, you’d know that I touched a little on the horrors of travelling travelling, namely from a health standpoint (read: Delhi Belly). As I see what I’m doing more as travelling-staying-still-ing, I didn’t expect to come down with anything.

Perhaps that was a bit too optimistic. If someone in South Africa so much as sneezes in the general direction of Britain, I catch it. Such is the magnanimous fortitude of my immune system.

Since I got here, and thanks to sick beeble no. 1, I have been con constipado. 

No, not constipated, thank you very much, I’ve had a cold. That’s just the lovely Spanish word for it *pulls face*.

In the second week, it then progressed into full blown acute tonsillitis, to the extent of me being unable to swallow and having massive great big welts on my throat…TMI?

I had a course of antibiotics, and the family were nice enough to give me the a day off to recover (it was a Friday and so I had the weekend also). I thought I was all in the clear.

I arrived in Laredo with the sniffles, okay, fine I thought, a bit of fresh air and I’ll be peachy.

No such luck. At around one and a half weeks in, I came down with Gastroenteritis.

I have never, ever in my life, felt so ill. And thats saying something because just over 3 months ago I was in hospital with appendicitis (or maybe that was worse…time is a great healer and eraser of pain…). After being up all night I caved and begged to be taken to the doctors which, looking back, was in general a greatly embarrassing experience.

You see, the problem is, when you’re suffering from Gastroenteritis, you don’t give a flying fuck who knows about it. You feel so awful, you’d quite happily call the pope and tell him every little nasty thing your body is doing to try and rid you of this illness.

In hindsight however, I see that trying to explain my symptoms to the doctor in broken Spanish, and having to sit with my pee bucket (they don’t use little test tubes here they use tubs) in my hands while waiting to get it tested, were both very embarrassing things to be doing in from of the dad I was staying with. If you don’t know the symptoms of Gastroenteritis google them, I dare you. Read the horror stories. They’re a little to graphic for even me to explain on here, and that’s saying something (have you read my post: Talking crap…?). He later admitted to me that he and two other of the family members had had a bit of an “upset tummy” and was trying to work out if we’d eaten anything bad…but it didn’t hold a candle to my illness.

The good doctor gave me antispasmodics to help with the pain, and a diet of Aquarius lemon water (which, by the way is amazing if you do ever go down with this, I think it’s what helped me recover so quickly, even though the last thing you want to do is drink), and BRAT….bananas, rice, applesauce, toast. No fruit, no dairy, no salad. I ate nothing, and then a little cooked rice and carrots with fresh lemon squeezed over it (again with the lemon). Within 48 hrs, I was feeling pretty ok except for a mild stomach ache. I was lucky. In some people it lasts for a week…

Aside from being hard on me physically, which dear god, it was, it was almost as hard emotionally. I conclusively did not want to go and wake up another family member, this kind of thing is best handled alone when in a house of near strangers, and there was nowhere in the world I more wanted to be than back home with my family.

In fact, when I called my mum at 6am crying, we almost decided to book me a ticket home and cut the trip short. It was that bad.

One good thing to say about Gastroenteritis, is that once the virus is out of your system, recovery is near instantaneous. So when I felt better, I called home and said I was going to tough it out.

Here’s hoping I made the right decision…

P.S. Though the word embarazada may sound like the Spanish for embarrassing, I can promise you it’s not. It means pregnant. Which can cause much confusion, especially at the doctors. The word you’re looking for is vergonzoso.

P.P.S. Bucketful of soz to anyone who did find the site with the Gastroenteritis horror stories…but better to be safe than sorry right…?